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AA Men Weigh In: Interracial Dating

Jun 11, 01:30 pm

          Whether based in reality or just hype, the widely believed notion that Asian women have the greatest advantage in the dating world has subjected our personal lives to scrutiny. Our dating choices are judged just as critically as if we were a Christian, or a Democrat, or the owner of three cats and a dog.

          So for those of you who have explored the other fish in the sea and now want the advantages of dating closer to culture, you may be wondering how your dating history affects your long-term potential in the eyes of Asian suitors.

          Below we asked five men to weigh in on how they feel about Asian woman who have dated exclusively or mostly White/non-Asian men in the past.

San Jose, CA

“Sick of Yellow Fever”

          “In the abstract, Asian women who exclusively date non-Asians shouldn’t bother me. Unfortunately, life isn’t lived in the abstract and my experience has made me instinctively skeptical and even resentful of non-Asian male/Asian female pairings in the States and back in Asia. I’ve heard it described as “Karate Kid II” syndrome, which seems apt.

          Part of that feeling has to do with so rarely seeing Asian men with non-Asian women. There are other factors that play into that disparity, chief among them that Asian men seem less aggressive in pursuing women than non-Asians and that many Asian men exclusively pursue Asian women. However, I’ve heard more than one Asian woman talk about how she prefers dating white or mixed or otherwise non-Asian boys and would never go back to dating full-blood Asians. Whenever I meet a girl who either implicitly or explicitly tells me she doesn’t date Asians, it’s a stomach-punch reinforcement of the perception that Asian men are less masculine and worthy of female attention, and frankly it kind of sucks.

          The other element that bothers me is that so many of those non-Asian men are serial “yellow fever” offenders who fetishize Asian women. I think any Asian woman out there can tell you that there’s a subset of creepers out there who have an unhealthy obsession with Asian girls. Oftentimes those guys exclusively date Asian girls. I honestly don’t know how prevalent that is, but the serial offenders are vocal and obvious enough to negatively color my perception of the whole.

          None of this is to say I think Asian females should date their own kind or that as an Asian male I feel entitled to their affections. To be honest, I think it sucks for those couples comprised of non-creeper non-Asian dudes and Asian females who’re perfectly willing to date Asian guys but happened to fall for a non-Asian. But that doesn’t stop the little voice in my head urging me to punch Ralph Macchio in the face whenever I pass an Asian girl with a non-Asian guy on the street.”

Chicago, IL

“Circumstances Prevail”

          “I have mixed feelings about an Asian woman who’s dated inter-racially.

          My first impulse is defensive — why is she interested in me? Am I filler until she finds her next white boyfriend? Is she settling for an Asian guy because she couldn’t find a white one she liked? You can’t help becoming a bit jaded by the biases we’re exposed to in this society.

          Another part of me is more sympathetic. When you’re in a society that’s 95% non-Asian, it’s almost more natural to date outside the race. I’ve done it myself. It would be hard to sequester yourself away from most of the opposite sex just because they don’t come from the same ancestral tribe.

          I understand that there’s the curiosity factor about exotic flesh and culture. How do we stack up against the American standard? I suspect most Asian Americans are curious about that. After all, that standard has been drilled into us by everything we see and hear in school, the media, friends, even relatives. It becomes so internalized that it takes a conscious effort to overcome it and to see each person for what she is rather than what she isn’t.

          So when I project myself into the woman, I understand there must have been some grappling with these issues and some kind of awakening on her part of the need to keep her perspective from being overwhelmed by what been pushed on her. So from that standpoint, it’s a positive that she now wants to date an Asian guy — she’s a warring Christian rather than a member of the choir.

          Of course, I also become more curious about her background when I find out she’s dated non-Asians. If she grew up in a mostly non-Asian milieu, it would almost be a bit odd if she didn’t date non-Asians at some point.

          Bottom line, I’m more watchful and on guard at first but eventually I would be open to seeing her for what she turns out to be.


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